3am Challenge: 2

http://3amepiphanyproject.blogspot.com/

Write a fragment of a story that is made up entirely of imperative commands, e.g. “Do this; do that; contemplate the rear end of the woman who is walking out of your life.” This exercise will be a sort of second-person narration.

Wordcount: 500 (+/- 10%)

The Headmistress

“Stop! You there, stop running immediately. Come here. Tell me your name.”

Steel yourself. Don’t imagine this will be over quickly.

“Call me Fonzie.”

Try not to roll your eyes as she inspects you more closely, and don’t be surprised when your clever remark doesn’t get a laugh.

“Don’t be funny with me, boy. And don’t be fooled that you won’t be punished for your impertinence. Call yourself what you like, but don’t imagine it’ll make a difference.”

Hide your smirk beneath a frown. Try not to imagine the kudos the others will give you for making her turn that delightful shade of puce.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you. And don’t scowl. If you think that’s clever, well, think again!”

Don’t rise to the bait. Remember that one day you’ll leave.

“And while I’m on the subject, bring in your homework tomorrow. Don’t be late, and don’t keep the class waiting. Have some respect for your fellow students!”

One day – oh don’t forget that one day the harridan will be old and grey. Imagine it.

“I could be talking to a brick wall – if there’s anything going on in that head of yours, knock once for yes!”

Ignore her cruel laughter. Bite your tongue, it doesn’t do to answer back, so think – but don’t say it out loud.

“Go on, dream away. Dream your life away! Look at me and try to work out if I care whether you succeed or not.”

Oh, go away and die!

“And tell me, boy, what is your mother thinking sending you out looking like that? Let her iron your clothes, at least.”

Try to forget that you have no mother to clean up after you. Try to forget that this woman knows it as well as you do. Ball your hands into fists in your pockets, dig your nails into your palms, do whatever it takes. Just don’t show her she can hurt you.

Wait… wait… be sure the harangue is over before you try and step away. Watch for the sharply indrawn breath. Heed the narrowing eyes. Don’t be fooled by the short silence. Don’t think it’s over when it’s hardly begun.

Wait…

“Come with me.”

Follow her down the corridor and shrug. Pretend not to notice the looks of pity from the older boys. Pretend not to react to the gestures of encouragement and defiance your friends make as you pass. Pretend not to care.

Follow in silence as she enters the office. Sit down, and act as if nothing’s wrong.

“Stand up. Don’t sit down unless I tell you to!”

Stand up as slowly as you dare. Act nonchalant. Try to ignore the implements of punishment and the glow in her eyes as she stares at them.

“Bring me the birch cane.”

Ignore the hiss of triumph in her voice.

Die, bitch.

Wait for the hiss of the cane as it whips through the air, and brace yourself as best you can.

Resign yourself to the inevitable, and comfort yourself by plotting her downfall.

OK, scared now.

I just noticed that the 4 chapters of Midnight Sun (AKA Twlight, again, as if it wasn’t enough the first time, only at least this time you’re not actually in Bella’s whiny head) that SMeyer has up on her website is 260 pages long.

Just for perspective, the WHOLE of Twilight is 260 long in the same format (PDF – you think I was going to spend money on this to see what the heck everyone was complainin about?)

I thought maybe it was type size or something, but I checked. On a fairly dense page of Twilight Text (namely, Bella whining about… well, everything) there are approx 460 words.

On one page of Midnight Sun – and quite a diffuse page (sorry, couldn’t be bothered to find a more wordy one) there were 330 words.

So FOUR CHAPTERS of Edward moping about Bella is almost as long as an entire BOOK of Bella moping about Edward was?

Oh my. I hope the woman never finishes the thing…

eBooks, Amazon, etc

just because it’s an interesting article and sheds light on the often confusing world of eBooks

MacMillan, eBooks, Amazon, and what have you

Gah!

I read a post where someone offered, as serious advice to a 15 year old, that where the drive to be creative is involved, if someone resents or questions the creative one neglecting people for their art, even people they claim to care about, then it’s for the other people to ‘deal with it’.

Forgive me, but I don’t think “being creative means you don’t have to be a decent human being” is good advice for anyone; but for a fifteen year old?

Sheesh. Give me strength.

I don’t know where it’s written that to be serious and passionate about one’s artistry, one has to be a shitbag, but I for one don’t believe it, and I know seriously wonderful and seriously, gobsmackingly artistic people who disprove it every single bloody day.

Shitbagitus may frequently come with the territory, but that is a damn shame, not something we should encourage.

3am Epiphany Challenge

You may, if you’re a writer type, have come across this blog: http://3amepiphanyproject.blogspot.com/

Me being, well, me, I didn’t find out about it till I was already behind and then I have been bad at finding time to actually take the dratted challenges.

BUT. I will nonetheless post those I DO complete here!

Hope you enjoy…

Reluctant I

Write a first person story in which you use the first person pronoun (I, me or my) only two times. Keep the ‘I’ somehow important to the narrative you are constructing. The point is to imagine a narrator who is less interested in himself than in what he is observing.

Wordcount: 600 (+/- 10%)

Now frankly, I think I can do a better job than this, and may well try it again.

But here’s my first effort.

Don’t Get Caught

Don’t get caught. The best advice an old thief can give, and the old thieves are the ones to heed. It’s easy to say, less easy to do, especially when the guards are coming and the lock picks just aren’t working. It’s a time to consider whether this is a good life path. The door is very ornate, very imposing, and very solid. Wood may seem old fashioned, but when it’s centuries old oak it might as well be cast iron. Coupled with an unexpected state of the art lock it is impregnable to the opportunist thief.

A kick only results in a sore toe and a muffled swearword. Being found isn’t an option – this is not the time to get caught, that’s for sure. The windows on either side of the corridor are starting to look more tempting; falling twenty feet seems a better alternative than having my kidneys used as bongos.

The imposing pillars that line the corridor also provide a little cover for anyone trying to open the window. It’s a small comfort, but in this situation it’s better than nothing. The latch is, naturally, sealed shut, but it is less of an obstacle than the heavy wood of the uncooperative door.

The task is a fiddly one, but doable. The voices are getting closer, but obviously these guards are more easily fooled than some. Doubling back or hiding in a cupboard would seem amateur to an amateur, but in the right situation it can provide those few extra moments to evade capture.

The window finally opens with a noise that could be interpreted as a sigh of relief by those of a fanciful nature. The night air is cold but welcome, like a scent of freedom on the wind.

The drop is enough to give pause, but only for a moment. Whoever designed the gardens planted a shrubbery for this very purpose, or at least never considered a flower bed under the window a security risk. They were foolish, but they earn a quick murmur of gratitude.

Edging out through the window and onto the ledge is the easy part: closing the window again from outside is more difficult. Clearly the architect was less fond of criminals than the gardeners are. It’s necessary, another ruse to give a few moments before the escape route becomes clear to those in pursuit. All those moments add up, eventually equaling a successful getaway.

It’s impossible to close the window entirely. A rush job will have to do. So far these guards have not proven the most observant, and it might just be enough.

Decision: wait and hope they don’t notice the window is ajar, or risk them hearing the rustle of the greenery below? The chill breeze makes the decision – even the stupidest guard will have more trouble ignoring a draught.

At arms length hanging from the ledge the ground still seems a long way away, but it is too late to second guess. Footsteps which have been getting steadily closer for five minutes are now too close to ignore.

A deep breath, a reluctant unclasping of fingertips, and the deed is done. A bush doesn’t provide much cushioning, but it’s better than the cold hard ground. Bruises will have to be ignored for now, a stealthy creep through the shadows stands between me and freedom. The gardener has earned his thanks with an avenue of trees that provide excellent cover, and the outer walls are no barrier to one experienced in burglary.

A moment to brush off the leaves, and a thief becomes an ordinary citizen emerging from an alleyway into the light. Hiding in plain view is another trick the old thieves will teach the young. It’s one of the best ways of following their favourite piece of advice. What was that again? Don’t be afraid to ask – a proud thief is a dead thief in this city.

But always remember. It’s simple. Don’t get caught.

I am a dragon

According to a commenter here, http://autocompleteme.com/2009/12/16/the-twilight-saga-as-told-by-autocomplete-me/ “Those who don’t like Twilight Saga are not women.”

Join the ranks of those who have therefore decided to become dragons instead.

Earning money for looking at links…

I wouldn’t pass these on if they didn’t pay out – eventually! I thought I should post some of the earn-money things I’ve come across on the net which actually DO pay out. These are sites where I personally have had a good experience.

As with most things, the legit ones are slow to earn, but better slow and reliable than fast and fake.

First off: hits4pay. http://hits4pay.com/members/index.cgi?sarahce

This one requires a lot of patience unless you have a lot of people to sign up as affiliates. Let’s just say, you get two cents per email and you have to earn $25 to get a pay out to a paypal account. Seriously, patience required, this WILL take a long time to do on your own. Affiliates you have referred at first and second levels will earn you one cent per click, which clearly is the way to go to make it a little faster buy hey, if you can’t… slow and steady works for me!

Quidco: https://www.quidco.com/home/

This is my kind of cashback programme. Once you have earned your fiver for membership there is NO minimum payout, and payments are made at the start of each month. The system is easy to use, I’ve had no problems with tracking, and they offer some really good percentages for cashback on some popular sites.

wepromiseto: http://www.wepromiseto.co.uk/r/24209

Similar to quidco, but generally just not quite as good. That said, they offer some retailers who aren’t available on quidco, and a few of their percentage cashbacks are better. They also offer more no-pay or daily cashback deals than quidco seem to. Unfortunately their minimum payout is twenty five quid, so patience is definitely required here, too. You do get a bonus (I believe it’s a pound) if someone you referred gets at least a fiver into their account.

lightspeed: http://www.quidco.com/lightspeed-research/

http://www.wepromiseto.co.uk/Lightspeed_Research

The best way to sign on to lightspeed research is via a cashback site link. You have to sign up via a remote link, rather than direct on the site, and you might as well get cashback (one pound on wepromiseto, 90p on quidco) too.

Lightspeed can be frustrating – occasionally their surveys just won’t work, or will cop out halfway through, but they are one of the more lucrative survey companies I’ve found. Most surveys pay from 50-110 lightspeed points, and the rate of exchange is 115 points to a pound. It can add up though – I’ve earned about forty five quid in less than a year. Payment is to a paypal account.

Enjoy…

Argh

I suppose it’s a good thing that I have had an enforced time off from my novel. Maybe I will be able to go back and read it and solutions to my plot chasms will come to me. I really hope so.

I just wish I could look at a computer screen for more than ten minutes at a time without my brain starting to protest. I owe several reads and critiques, and I have at least one of my own work to read (plus at least one to come). Scary enough in the first place without the added intrigue of “will it make me sick to attempt to read this today?”

Bah. I’m whining. Sorry!

Even if you’re not a teenager…

John Scalzi has some good advice in this and the follow up article. Advice I wish I had been given when I was a teen, frankly.

His tough love approach may not be to everyone’s taste, but his advice is sound and his style is amusing. Read it, don’t be offended, take the advice given in the spirit in which it is intended (this guy openly says he is a reader too – he’s not trying to stop you from writing!) and learn from it. Worthwhile article.

Read this and… be encouraged.

There are no words

“I want you to call me every bad name you can think of, in every language you know. I want you to tell me that you’re disgusted with me and that you’re going to so that I can beg and grovel on my knees for you to stay. At least stop trying to make me feel better. Let me suffer. I deserve it.”

Direct quotes from one of the Twilight books. This is our main character and narrator talking to the man who is supposed to love her, an whom we are told she loves.

Oh my word on a stick. And SMayer dares to say that she writes strong characters and that Bella is a good role model.

Yeuch!